Just for Fun

Lieutenant Posts : 140 Join date : 2009-08-07

Jokes and fun stuff

THE TOMCAT!!!

Hello said the tomcat with a smile,
Trust your new friend for a while,

Don' try to escape through this fence!

Im the guy with experience.

Come back later she said with a grin
When May's finished that bottle of Gin.

I'll get through the cat flap when she's in bed,
I'll meet you at 11 behind the shed!

Time to go in it's time for Tea
Can you hear her she's shoutin me.

Later that night we met as planned
Walked to the park hand in hand.

When I got home I felt the guilt,and ran upstairs
and got under May's quilt.

I was thinking over and over what have I done??
I was very naughty but it was Fun!.

Nine weeks later The Kittens are here,
I didn't expect them to appear!.

Now off the teats mature at last,
Home's are needed quick and fast.

MAY's not happy! Call the CSA Im gonna make
that TOM CAT PAY!

Lieutenant Posts : 140 Join date : 2009-08-07

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Lieutenant Posts : 140 Join date : 2009-08-07

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. How do men get excersize at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's a man's idea of helpin with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

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8 things you'll never hear a man say...

8. Here honey, you use the remote.

7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1. We never talk anymore.

Subject: Re: Just for Fun Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:05 am

What I Want In A Man!

What I Want In A Man, Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10 Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Subject: Re: Just for Fun Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:07 am

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got
two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, then he empties
them out onto the ground and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to
discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

Reluctantly the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new
bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross
the border.

A week later, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that again
the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border
on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him
in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something and it's driving me crazy.

It's all I think about..... I can't sleep.

Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Lieutenant Posts : 140 Join date : 2009-08-07

ROFLNFAO !!!!! well funny hod

Subject: Re: Just for Fun Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:10 am

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G....!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home. . . maybe at work!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the. ..?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Lieutenant Posts : 140 Join date : 2009-08-07

Lieutenant Posts : 140 Join date : 2009-08-07

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

LMAO

Subject: Re: Just for Fun Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:17 am

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In
some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still
a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double
positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

Admin Posts : 74 Join date : 2009-08-07 Age : 31

Some funny Bush quotes:

"In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession."

"One day I hope America can join the Europen Union"

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I urge the leaders in Europe and around the world to take swift, decisive action against terror groups such as Hamas, to cut off their funding, and to support - cut funding and support, as the United States has done."

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

Subject: Re: Just for Fun Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:29 am

As you know, Vancouver, Canada will host the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Here are some questions people from all over the world have asked.

Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke;
but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles; take lots of water.
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Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
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Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.
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Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)

A: What, did your last slave die?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Lieutenant Posts : 140 Join date : 2009-08-07

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Subject: Re: Just for Fun Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:51 pm

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases:
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well, dear, a man goes through
three phases also:
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
' A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration'

Subject: Re: Just for Fun Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:00 am

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Now I know where you guys got your Teddy Bears!

Subject: Re: Just for Fun Fri Aug 21, 2009 9:39 pm

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down
the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Well, your Honor... what would you have said?"